SCIENCE/TECH | WTF

Study: Palm Reading Appears 99% More Accurate After Dabbing

Palm reading

BOULDER—A study conducted by the Pew Research Center has found that people who dab ultra-rich cannabis concentrates just prior to palm readings are 99% more likely to believe that the readings are “totally accurate.”

The study was conducted over the course of a full year at the University of Colorado using 1,000 enthusiastic student volunteers and 20 local soothsayers. Researchers directing the study randomly chose half of the students from the pool of volunteers to meet once a month to receive super-rich doses of THC in the form of concentrated cannabis. Each participant was administered 3-4 dabs of high-quality cannabis wax, followed immediately by palm reading in a private, dimly lit room with one-way mirrored glass.

Findings from the study showed that nearly all of the 500 dabbed-out volunteers believed every word that their fortunetellers told them. One volunteer reportedly went so far as to change his major from communications to animal husbandry after a particularly intense experience. “My palm reader said my heart line reminded her of a golden sheep giving birth to the world,” says John Ordway. “I realized then and there – I’m in the wrong fucking field! I don’t care if it’s my senior year, I’m transferring immediately.”

Reports reveal that several of the volunteers were identified as “scrambling from the research center in tears,” frantically removing their engagement rings muttering “I made a huge mistake” as they sprinted out of the research center.

The most notable takeaway from the study, says clinical psychologist and researcher Dawn Seastead, was that after a full year of dabbed out palm readings the stoned volunteers continued to appear surprised each month by their readings, without a shred of skepticism or doubt.

-By Rocco D’Eugenio