News | SCIENCE/TECH

REPORT: Water Bong Dreck a Cure for Erectile Dysfunction

Water Bong

FORT COLLINS—Stop!!! Don’t pour that bong water down the drain!

Scientists at Colorado State University have just released findings from a yearlong study on the curative powers of imbibing bong water. The purpose of the experiment was to ferret out if cannabinoid-rich waterpipe dregs might boost human immune systems. Instead, the baffled researchers discovered a far more “potent” side effect.

Specimens were collected from the bongs of two dozen exuberant CSU student volunteers who were administered 12 ounces of stale bong water weekly in exchange for 3 grams of top-shelf cannabis. Participants drank the putrid poultice of bong juice religiously every Friday at noon for one year.

After conducting monthly physical exams and interviews with volunteers, an unexpected side-effect was evident in 93% of the male test subjects: each reported interminable erections lasting, in some cases, for as long as four straight days.

Erectile Dysfunction Bong

“It started to cause a lot of problems at home,” laments study participant Tony Sicliano. “After choking back that bong water cocktail, within an hour I was stiff as a board. And there was nothing that deflated it! I mean nothing. I even watched an entire baseball game on TV while holding a picture of my grandma and the whole time smacking my rogue member with a rolled-up magazine!”

Sicliano reports that his girlfriend didn’t mind at first, but by Sunday he says “she was ready for things to go back to normal, just so we could get some sleep. I had to wear sweat pants nearly every day for a year for fucksake. I could barely leave the house! I was taping the thing down just so I could go to work. And if you think ripping a band-aid off hurts — well, let’s just say I’m never drinking bong water again… unless I really needed to, I suppose.”