Business | SCIENCE/TECH

LAPD Tests New Weed DUI Device: ‘The Donut 5000’

weed DUI

BOYLE HEIGHTS—The Los Angeles Police Department this week unveiled a new technology that’s leading to a flood of weed DUI arrests for driving under the influence of marijuana.

“There’s been huge controversy over using swab tests for THC intoxication,” says LAPD Sgt. Ron Klein. “We know that those assessments are not yet field tested and often give us false positives.”

Weed DUIKlein says his test, called the “Donut 5000,” is foolproof and detects in mere seconds if a driver is under the influence of cannabis.

“At the start of every shift, I supply each patrol car with a dozen Dunkin’ Donuts,” he says. “If you suspect a driver is altered on weed, you approach the vehicle cautiously with an apple fritter wrapped enticingly in sugar-smeared wax paper and observe the culprit’s frenzied response.”

Klein says the test is 99 percent effective. Most pot-altered drivers exhibit an acute gut response that has them transfixed on the delicious treat, involuntarily salivating down their chins.

Longtime stoner Donny Dutchee offers some advice for burners: “I advise doing what most proficient weed devotees surely already do— keep it to sativas in the day and save your indicas for the eve sesh once you’re home and near the fridge.”

Sgt. Klein says another device is currently being field tested for sativa users, which includes the use of exams that test for “excessive knowledge regarding philosophy, metaphysics, and environmental awareness.”

-By Dave Carpenter