FRESNO—In a gruesome display of savagery, local hero and pit bull rescue advocate Fred “Freddy” Czerwinski, 48, was decapitated and his skull mutilated in his Fresno home last night. His head was reportedly turned into what police are calling “some sort of an improvised bong.”
Authorities were summoned to the scene when horrified neighbors saw Steven Doyle, 46, also of Fresno, puffing away on what they believed to be their good friend’s hollowed out cranium.
“It was terrible, man!” said neighbor Jason Quinn, who called police to the scene. “Steven was just sitting there on the lawn drenched in blood and toking away on Teddy’s head, man!”
Coroner Abel Steinfeld confirmed the interior of the head had been stripped of brain matter and skillfully prepared as a marijuana waterpipe. “He used an old trombone mouth piece fitted into the neck to breathe the smoke through,” said Steinfeld. “The bowl he created with a coffee filter placed inside the mouth and he used the nostrils as some kind of a macabre, makeshift carburetor. Then he simply filled the head with water. It was really quite expertly done.”
Doyle was subsequently arrested and charged with the murder. When questioned as to what would compel him to commit such a horrific act, Doyle told Fresno PD that Czerwinski had challenged him to make a bong out of the “craziest thing possible.”
“Listen,” he bragged to investigators, “I am known for making THE MOST killer bongs… oh—hahahaaaa, get it?” said Doyle cascading into fits of laughter. When he was finally able to collect himself, Doyle refused to answer any further questions and asked for a lawyer.
Before being dragged off in shackles, Doyle lamented aloud that he only wished Czerwinski were alive to see his “kick-ass creation.”