SCIENCE/TECH | WTF

Evidence Suggests 3 Wisemen Were Stoned Off Their Asses

Wisemen stoned

BETHLEHEM—A recently translated ancient scroll found buried deep in a cave near the Sea of Galilee has created a firestorm among religious scholars around the world. The document, a ledger kept by what appears to have been a cannabis merchant named Sufri, records a large transaction of gold and frankincense to a traveler named Melchior – one of the known three “Magis” – as well as the purchase of “a considerable amount of the aromatic plant resin myrrh.”

“Clearly this covertly refers to cannabis,” says forensic theologian Dr. Kate Mulligan. “It’s a known fact that the three Wisemen, on their sojourn for the boy Christ, were lost for many days, possibly even months, perhaps in the fashion of ‘Dude, where’s my car.’”

Merchant Sufri, in his detailed account of the three wayward travelers, notes tales they told of frequent sightings of glorious oases that didn’t exist, as well as repeated munchie seshes over dates and lamb chops.

This discovery turns the traditional story of Christmas on its head, opening the door for the beginning of a whole new set of holiday traditions that includes cannabis. It also offers a new perspective as to what it was that made the Magis so wise after all.