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Product Review: Introducing the ‘Dank-O-Meter’

product review

THE DANK-O-METER—A must-have for the discerning ganjier on your list or the perfect item for that pot snob who has everything, the Dank-O-Meter is at your service.

Imagine this: making your way through a crowded party, your nose suddenly puts you on high alert for… Some reefer! it says in a perfect Dave Chappelle voice, I know somebody here is burning one down… Your trusty beak continues to lead you aloft like some smoky cartoon arm tugging you toward the source of that sweet MaryJane floating above the heads of a few happy tokers. You wander over with a smile and the next thing you know a joint the size of a cucumber is being passed your way. Right on! your snoot says in a Margaret Cho melody and happily accepts their unspoken gesture, an invitation as old as the time-honored doobie itself. But as soon as that joint touches your lips, the realization of a potentially significant mistake comes into quick relief. You’ve just accepted this dubious J and are now obligated to partake in smoking some of the most repellent ditchweed on record – the likes of which you haven’t encountered since the 8th grade when Jimmy Bobich pulled that sweaty bag of schwag out of his high-top Vans.

Well, go ahead and thank us now, because you’ll never again walk away coughing your brains out, filled with regret and shame if you’ve got the trusty Dank-O-Meter by your side. Before your untrained nose can betray your faculties and let your intentions be known to a group of well-meaning but completely dankrupt tokers, you can now stealthily gauge the purity and dankness of the bud being choked down next to you. Simply wave the Dank-O-Meter through the hazy air – no muss, no fuss. Within seconds, based on your own prearranged custom settings, the device alerts you to either “STAY THE HELL AWAY,” “PROCEED WITH CAUTION,” or “HIT THAT SHIT NOW.”

The Dank-O-Meter also comes preloaded with a bevy of helpful auto-settings, including “Drunk Neighbor’s Birthday Party Mode” (schwag alert); “Outdoor Musicfest Mode” (use caution); and “Cannabis Cup Mode” (hit it now).

The Dank-O-Meter is portable, discrete, equipped with kinetic action that charges itself as you wave it through the air, and comes in seven delightful colors. It also fits in the palm of your hand, works handily on flower as well as concentrates, and has an add-on feature that tests for that ever-elusive edible strength.

The Dank-O-Meter… it’s what dankophile dreams are made of.