Featured | Politics

Nat’l Park Rangers Propose Growing Cannabis to Offset Budget Cuts

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YOSEMITE VALLEY—Rangers from more than a dozen U.S. National Parks, spanning from Mt. Rainier to Acadia, reportedly met for a clandestine meeting this week in Yosemite Valley to discuss the parks’ uncertain future. Sources close to the group say their mission was to brainstorm ideas for raising millions to offset the massive shortfalls expected in this year’s federal budget.

National Park professional Ranger “Rick” (who asked to remain anonymous) organized the gathering, which numbered 57 park rangers from across the country. Rick sat down with us to discuss the meeting’s outcome.

“In order to keep our parks open this year,” explains Ranger Rick, “we need to bridge the enormous gap made from millions in federal dollars being ripped from our annual budget.”

He says after hours of debate, the group were at their wits end trying to come up with a creative solution – when the next thing they knew Ranger “Rhonda” (who also asked to remain anonymous), sparked up a fat jay.

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Ranger “Rick” takes a jay break.

“After it made its way around the room a couple of times,” says Rick, “the ideas really started flowing! One of our parks colleagues from Zion, who I’ll call Ranger ‘Molly,’ jumped up while firmly holding a roach and yelled: ‘I got it … let’s grow weed! A shit ton of weed!’

The ranger admits that all in attendance were in shock over the brilliant idea that was right there under their noses the whole time. Rick says the fortuitous combination of loads of open space, intense knowledge of horticulture and the land, and a shared love for marijuana make the idea and their skillsets a match made in pot growing heaven.

“We all know our parks better than anybody,” says Rick. “We know the spots that never get visited, locations with great water access that are well off the beaten path. Our goal is to keep our parks running without any help from those assholes in Congress and the White House. Sure, this may not technically be legal, but fuck them! If they’re okay letting our national treasures go to shit, then we’re okay doing something about it ourselves.”