Politics

Trump Taps Retired Drug-Sniffing Schnauzer to Head DEA

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NEW YORK—From the penthouse of Trump Towers came the announcement today that President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Winston – a 10-year-old, retired drug sniffing Schnauzer – to head the Drug Enforcement Agency.

At a press conference this morning, Trump gave some insight as to how he chose Winston. “Look, he has 7 years of baggage sniffing experience under his collar, he’s a decorated vet, and I love the vets… Believe me, this dog can smell a dimebag clear across Grand Central Station at rush hour. Winston will sniff out all the illegal drugs in this country, folks… he will, I promise you.”

The ACLU, PETA, and NORML have all voiced grave concerns about the proposed appointment, although Winston seems quite pleased with the deal that lured him from retirement. “We had to negotiate a little to get him, but we made a great deal,” Trump conceded. “Winston has been guaranteed unlimited humping of First Lady-elect Melania’s legs in exchange for service to our country.”