Business | Politics

The West: Mess with Our Weed, We Shall Secede

Our Weed

BREMERTON—Amid fiery protests in defiance of newly minted U.S. President Donald Trump, a quiet storm is brewing in several western states. In response to an administration that may seek to overturn voter-approved legal cannabis, an undercurrent of revolt can be heard from Portland to Denver— a murmuring of the West’s pot producing states separating from the United States.

“Everyone knows this part of the U.S. supplies the whole country with the dankest of the dank,” says marijuana expert Brian Swan. “If the public at large isn’t ready to recognize that fact and treat us with respect, maybe it’s time we cut off the sensimilla spigot.”

The clarion call has been heard loudest at protests in Washington, Alaska, Oregon, California, Nevada, and Colorado. Proponents say they fear our commander in chief could wake up one morning and proclaim with a Tourette’s Tweet that voter-approved states’ rights permitting legal cannabis are null and void. Hence the secession strategy establishing a nascent country founded on the shared values of safe, legal, and plentiful cannabis.

“Look, the rest of the country hates us because we legally farm this plant—which by the way most Americans love—but the Feds are still calling it illegal,” says Swan. “Sounds fairly schizophrenic to me. I’m just sorry we can’t bring Massachusetts and Maine along with us when we go.”

The horror of states’ rights for legal weed being someday trumped by federal whimsy has pro-marijuana activists ready to pull the multi-state ripcord as soon as this month.

Swan’s message is succinct and pitiless: “All you haters out there better get your passports ready, ‘cause we’re gonna build our own fucking wall!”

-By Rocco D’Eugenio