Politics | SCIENCE/TECH

‘Trump-xiety’ Sees Medical MJ Fly Off Shelves

Trump-related Illness

GILROY—“I used to be able to turn on the radio when I got in the car, but now it’s just too much for my blood pressure,” says Tom Barrett, a lifelong resident of Gilroy, a small agricultural town south of San Jose. “I can’t risk the possibility that the news will be on and I’ll hear that name… Trump… SHIT!”

As Barrett speaks the politician’s name, his hands scramble for a bag containing a dozen cannabis-infused Cheeba Chews medicated hard candy. He pops one into his mouth, trying furiously to dissolve it quickly with his tongue. He looks like a man running from the slobbering hounds of hell.

This nervousness, labeled an actual illness by the international peer-reviewed medical journal JAMA, is known as “Trump-xiety.” Often caused by the simple mention of the president-elect’s name, the condition is accompanied by sweating, trembling, dizziness, common sense, and rapid heartbeat.

Elizabeth Wozniak of Carpinteria described her Trump-xiety starting after he won the Republican nomination. “I’ve never really followed politics, but this year, it’s in your face more than ever. It seems the media is hell bent on creating the biggest spectacle it can out of this orange ass clown, just to boost their ratings,” says Wozniak, crushing her second Cannabis Quencher drink containing 200mg of THC. “In the meantime, I’m nearly bald from having pulled out most of my hair during that interview he did the other night. There wasn’t enough cannabis in Ventura County to calm my anxiety.”

Dr. Randy Cross, a physician from Pismo Beach, has been witness to Trump-xiety firsthand. “I’ve been working with very anxious people lately and have recommended cannabis as a treatment with great success. Fortunately for Californians, our MMJ laws allow me to recommend cannabis for anxiety,” he says. “Hopefully, in a couple months things will calm down after the election, Trump will recede away like an orange tide of hair-like seaweed, and folks can get back to their lives. But until then, my advice is to not suffer another day needlessly from Trump-xiety. Get the green medicine you need right now.”

At press time, Trump had just started a tweet flame war with a 12-year-old girl in Bakersfield, and for the first time in the recorded history of California the state ran completely out of cannabis.