News | Politics

Hillary Clinton Visits NorCal, Disappears for 48 Hours


GARBERVILLE, California — Just when you thought the U.S. election cycle could not get any more bizarre, think again. Ahead of the California primary, The Hill and her minions thought it a good idea to take a road trip through the Golden state on their $1.5 million bus. But a quick stop in Humboldt County changed the itinerary. “Let’s just put it this way,” remarked a source close to the campaign, “it appears only half of the Clinton machine doesn’t inhale.” Apparently, a hash-infused Cherry Pie blunt was passed around the bus one evening and in the morning, missing were a huge bag of ganja and the candidate herself. “We called her name, we put up fliers, we took hikes through the woods looking for pantsuits, but in the end, we had it all wrong,” says Chelsea, “my mom was found in the trees.” High and still smoking hella dank 48 hours later, campaign volunteers eventually found Hillary when they heard a sound that typically would not be associated with her: laughing. And a lot of it. “There she was, 45 feet up, clinging to the bark,” said the volunteer. In the end, after some milk and cookies and a few Visine sessions, Hillary was back on the stump. Her analysis: “All I gotta say is this: California, what a trip.”