Politics

FEMA Adds Primo Weed to Essential Disaster Relief Items

FEMA

NEW ORLEANS—On the 12th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, FEMA Director Jorge Sans reportedly seized the opportunity to make a groundbreaking announcement. Standing atop a levee in the 9th ward – an area of the Big Easy most affected by the Katrina breaches – Sans declared, “FEMA has added cannabis to our list of ‘top five’ priority items we will be requesting from the federal government and from private donations for disaster relief.”

Now dislocated residents forced to escape the wrath of mother nature can expect a safe harbor provided by FEMA, including food, water, a change of clothes, and a nice baggy of primo cannabis.

“It is literally the item most often requested by evacuees we’ve aided all across the United States during times of devastation,” said Sans. “From earthquake victims in California to folks narrowly escaping tornadoes in Oklahoma to people seeking higher ground during the recent floods in Houston.”

In the midst of mass destruction, it appears folks just want a little security and some green to begin to heal. And who the hell can blame them, said Sans.

“Evacuees don’t know if their houses are still intact, if their stashes survived,” he continued, “but they hope for the best and expect the worst. We just want to make this horrible time in these folks’ lives just a little more chill.”