Politics | WTF

Does God Hate Weedporn More Than Kansas?

weedporn

JOHNSON CITY—Just about an hour’s drive east of the Colorado border lies a sleepy burg called Johnson City, Kansas. A small farming community with a population of less than 2,000 God-fearing souls, local Reverend Jeb Howard sees his parishioners under imminent threat from a new enemy… “weedporn.”

Having led the charge to sue the state of Colorado this year over its recent end to cannabis prohibition (and having failed miserably), the reverend has embarked on a new campaign to end the corrosive effects of weedporn on the children of Johnson.

“Look, these days kids are bombarded with sexual images, whether it be from the media promoting promiscuity to all this filth on the Internets,” says Howard. “We as adults, and myself as the spiritual leader of this community, can’t just sit and do nothing while valuable souls are minced through the meat grinder of eternal damnation.”

Not far into the interview, the reverend is shown an actual website displaying weedporn, clearly showing it is not a form of pornography, but merely harmless pictures of cannabis that are shared online with no sexual content at all. Looking at the photos and undeterred he says, “It’s salacious! What is this? I mean, just look at those delicious marijuana blossoms pulsating with fecundity. I’d eat one if I could, just take it in my mouth and let it slather on down my face like honeysuckle. That is, if I didn’t know my own Christ and Savior says it’s wrong.”

Howard breathlessly scrambles on, “It’s one thing to do battle against pornography, we’ve been doing that for generations. But this new form of so-called weedporn smut, well, we just aren’t equipped to handle it.”

Being shown again that not a bit of it is sexually explicit, he continues, “Yes, yes, I see… we’re prepared for the liberal media to call us ignorant – they’ve been doing so for years – but take a look at the condition of their souls… as dark as midnight in Satan’s shoe. So we’ve organized a ‘weedporn burning party’ to take place in about two weeks, out in back of the church. As of yet we haven’t found any of this porno to burn, but we know it’s out there and it should make for a blaze big enough to see from heaven.”

At press time, the good reverend was still clicking through photos of big juicy buds and hardly able to control his excitement.

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