WASHINGTON D.C.—Attention all you flu and cold sufferers, put down the soup spoon and step away from the stove.
In an effort to eradicate from the U.S. homeland all mind and body altering substances (with the exception of alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, sugar, and pharmaceuticals), today the DEA in conjunction with Eli Lilly has designated chicken noodle soup a Schedule I narcotic.
The delectable liquid meal – long considered curative by mothers from Missouri to Minsk – joins the likes of heroin, LSD, and most recently CBD (the non-psychoactive, medicinal component of cannabis) on the list of drugs with “no medicinal value and a high potential for abuse.”
“A major reason for the classification of chicken soup as a Schedule I narcotic,” says DEA spokesperson Hannah Overlund, “stems from the long-held misconception that chicken soup has some sort of medicinal properties. We want people to know that it is not safe to ingest chicken soup, no matter how tasty, without hard science substantiating its capabilities.”
The DEA suggests the next time some mother out there tries to peddle you a piping hot bowl of this delicious elixir, you JUST SAY NO.
“We must endeavor to change the way this dangerous pseudo-soupy medicine is perceived in our society,” says Overlund. “Just think of the children.”
-By Rocco D’Eugenio