Politics

Cancun Legal MJ Move to Chill Out Spring Breakers

Cancun

MEXICO CITY—From the steps of the historic Palacio Nacional, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto reportedly announced this morning that the spring break destination of Cancun will soon be designated a “Zona Verde” – an area where marijuana consumption will be completely permissible within the city limits.

Business proprietors and locals alike are welcoming the new resolution, confirms Jorge Ramos, general manager of La Cucaracha Especial Resort in Cancun. “We feel that if we can start to move the crazy barracho spring break crowd away from guzzling gallons of alcohol to burning kilos of soothing ganja instead, it would be a win-win situation for everyone.”

President Peña Nieto’s plan – slated to go into effect at the start of spring break season beginning March of 2017 – seeks to promote the entire month of March to the Zona Verde celebration, commemorating all things marijuana and heralding in a new era of non-abusive partying for Cancun spring breakers.

“It gets too crazy here in Cancun with all the drunks,” says Ramos. “It takes our staff at least a month to clean all the blood, urine, and semen from inside and outside of the resort. Let’s just say, nobody goes in the pool for the first two weeks of April after those wild gamberros go home.”

The move is also hoped to be a huge economic mover for Mexico on the whole, potentially spurring growth countrywide. “It’s no secret that we have a lot of marijuana farmers in Sinaloa and Veracruz out of work since so many U.S. states began legalizing cannabis and growing, as you say, the kind buds,” says Peña Nieto. “We do understand that times have changed. The days of growing the old, como se dice… ‘ditch-ass dirt-weed,’ is a thing of the past.”

U.S. State Department officials have confirmed that discussions began earlier this year to import high-grade cannabis seed into Mexico for this “vital U.S/Mexican spliff-keeping mission,” said General Raymond A. Thomas III. “We seek to meet the demands of a more discerning marijuanista crowd enjoying the spring break tradition.”

President Peña Nieto says he’s looking to see “more Bob Marley and less Rob Zombie… more chill, less frat,” he says. “If this goes down like I’m hoping, it’s going to be Dia del Verde every day! Gracias and viva la mota!”