OUTER SPACE—In cooperation with the Russian Space Agency Roscosmos, NASA is finally prepared to unveil the latest apparatus making its way to the International Space Station (ISS). Astronauts orbiting 249 miles above Earth in the habitable satellite can often get a little cagey after prolonged periods of zero gravity, so scientists found a solution to counter the monotony. The resupply scheduled for launch this week will include seven state-of-the-art vaporizers designed specifically for cannabis consumption in outer space.
Dr. Genevieve Myerholtz of Caltech, the lead scientist in charge of the “Cannabis in the Cosmos” study, says being high can only make our time in space better. “We know that it eliminates feelings of nausea brought on by zero gravity,” she explains, “and it can really help to kill time while cruising from one place to another, like say from the Moon to Betelgeuse.”
NASA has been funding studies at Caltech and MIT for the last decade to learn about the effects that cannabis has on the body in a weightless environment. Myerholtz continues, “So we thought let’s make sure our space travelers have a bad ass time up there. Let’s build them the best possible smoking gear available to man. I can’t even imagine what looking down at Earth from space looks like stoned!”
Russian cosmonaut Fran Stoyer will be accompanying the vapes and 11 pounds of government grade grass to the space station inside the payload container. “Everything is on autopilot,” she reports from Moscow, “so while we cruise the 249 miles up to ISS, I will be conducting tests for the effects of G-forces on the brain while stoned off my tits…it should be quite enlightening.”
If the new apparatus functions as planned, be prepared to see the Cosmos Space Vape on store shelves in time for Christmas.