Cannabis | Politics

Dwindling Worm Population to Farmers: ‘Eat Shit, Traitors’

Dwindling Earthworm

HUMBOLDT—Angry Earthworms came out en masse this week to protest the outright genocide being propagated on their numbers by marijuana farmers. The lowly invertebrate, whose hidden underground labors are the literal foundation of the vegetative realm, say they’ve “Had. A. Fucking. Nough.”

Zoologist and worm representative Herman Johns blames the dwindling earthworm situation on industrial farming and “profit-hungry monoculture practices that rely on intensive use of pesticides, fungicides, and acid soil nearly devoid of organic life. That creates a hell zone for worms,” adds Johns.

Worm populations are of course known to be mini stewards of the earth, replenishing soil with their waste and providing organic nutrients for plants to thrive. They are natural tillers, fertilizing and improving soil as they go. Harm them and you harm the soil.

Johns says the vermi-population’s biggest battlefront of late is with marijuana growers, many of whom have adopted the churn-and-burn systems of Big Ag to capitalize on runaway profits available in the exploding cannabis industry.

“Outdoor cultivators are taking the easy route, espousing the methods of those they profess to despise most, like Monsanto and Dow,” he says. “Not enough composting or trying to create living soils. It’s just, hey, I’ll dump a bunch of this fertilizer and synthetic mess over here and out comes a giant, juicy bud.”

At press time, the entire population of red wigglers in the state of California had staged a union “sick out.” A few thousand tiny dirt dwellers were seen this week in Garberville – heart of Humboldt marijuana country – carrying pint-sized picket signs that read, “HEY WEED GROWERS: WAKE UP!”

“I can’t remember the last time I saw a worm call in sick,” says Johns. “These boys really must be firing mad.”

-By Tony Torched