IMPERIAL COUNTY — In a stultifying show of force, Federal Marshals in Brawley, California used battering rams, pepper spray, and flash grenades during their 7am raid of the marijuana edible maker Cookie Connection. While no employees were present at the time, closed circuit TV caught the fracas in full-color HD, which included five of the 14 officers clad in riot gear mistakenly wrestling one another to the ground in the ensuing, vaporous melee. Officer Peter Millman said no attendant criminal charges are being filed against the cannabis edible maker—who broke absolutely no laws. Still, all of the company’s assets were confiscated, including an entire kitchen valued at over $30,000, a geriatric mobility scooter, a ping-pong table, and nine pairs of non-slip footwear.
U.S. Marshals also forced the forfeiture of two dachshunds named Tank and Ernie, after Cookie Connection owner Dan Hemstead arrived at the scene with his pets shortly after 8am. Officer Millman described the hounds in a police report obtained by Cannabizoo as being “canines appearing to have elongated and sagging abdomens capable of carrying illicit contraband.” At press time, Tank and Ernie were unharmed but definitely not pleased.
-By Hugh Manginello