38th PARALLEL NORTH—The two leaders (one dear and one not-so-much) are poised to discuss the downsides of nuclear war… but only after partaking in “a sativa-dominant hybrid I designed specifically to take away man’s desire to destroy the world,” said California budtender Rita Jones, who is donating all weed for the meeting so “the human race might all be able to stick around a little longer.”
Problems have already arisen with the meeting format. Trump refuses to smoke a “Big Fatty” while Kim refuses to smoke a “Little Fatty.”
Trump’s main concerns:
1. Where will the U.S. buy its televisions and cars if North Korea destroys Japan and South Korea?
2. What are the capabilities and wage requirements of the North Korean hacking community?
3. Will it be a home or away game? Trump is pushing hard for a U.S. location. “The White House would be a good place for Kim and me to meet. Weed is legal in D.C., I can bill him by making him stay at my hotel down the street, and I can take him to an NBA game,” said POTUS. “Hopefully those sons-of-bitches will stand during the anthem.”
Kim Jong Un’s main concerns:
1. Can he and Trump watch a movie after the meeting? “I insist the meeting site have a private screening room, similar to the ones at my various palaces/bunkers,” said the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army. “After a hard day of doing dictator stuff, like executions and building more work-camps, I like to unwind with a Hollywood rom-com. But not that shitty movie with James Franco and Seth Rogan. I was high as hell when I watched it and I didn’t find it all that funny.”
2. Will Melania and Ivanka be at the meeting? “I want a double shotgun from them!” Kim said to an advisor, who leaked Kim’s statement to Cannabizoo. (The advisor has since gone missing and has not been seen for several weeks.)
3. Kim insists Dennis Rodman’s tattoo artist be given free access to the meetings. “I’ve always wanted a mushroom cloud tattoo on my ass,” said Kim to another of his missing advisors.
Japan and South Korea have expressed grave concerns about the meeting, particularly about the possibility of a post meeting movie.
In a joint statement, the Presidents of both countries stated, “While we applaud diplomatic efforts between the U.S. and North Korea, we strongly suggest strict cannabis protocols be put in place so that neither leader mistakes their nuclear footballs for the remote.”
Diplomatic details to be worked out by Dennis Rodman.
-By Jim Willmot