Business | Entertainment

The Dopest Amusement Park, By .50 Cent & Lil Wayne

.50 Cent

QUEENS—Rap mega-mogul and mixed-bag entrepreneur .50 Cent is reportedly in collaboration with rhyme master Lil Wayne to create a “dope-ass, new marijuana theme park.” Currently the dank duo is calling their phantasmagorical creation “OG Triple Kush Purple Dragon Green Crack Land,” named ostensibly after their favorite weed strains. Although, say investors, that name has changed half a dozen times in the past week and is unlikely to stick for very long.

The puffin’ pair allegedly dreamed up the concept one night while lounging in one of the many living rooms that inhabit .50’s compound – a 544,000-sqft. marijuana-mansion in Farmington, Connecticut. Among the plans for the outlandish amusement park are a “Roller Coaster Restaurant” – you heard that right, an actual restaurant on tracks that will feature a 360-degree loop-de-loop – as well as an underwater “Dine with the Dolphins” experience where guests can share lobster and shrimp scampi with friendly, aquatic sea life.

According to sources, .50 Cent envisions a tele-transporter as the main means for traveling around the park, and employing time travel units to extend each guest’s stay, giving them the satisfaction of money well spent. The entire 297,000-acre park will reportedly also be contained within a giant bouncy house, so that patrons can “feel as though they are walking on clouds,” says the press release put out by the team.

Further investigation has uncovered that .50 Cent has recently purchased several square miles in South Jamaica, Queens, where the rapper came up, wanting to make the park accessible to all his old homies. Neighbors have reported that construction crews have been ready for months. “Every day they show up at the site wearing hardhats and carrying box lunches – and then they just stand around waiting for something to build.”

Several half-dug, abandoned excavations and incomplete iron structures litter the landscape as plans seem to change almost daily. Engineers and ground crew report that they are “waiting for the technologies of astrophysics and metallurgy to catch up with the plans for the park before they can begin construction.”