Business | Politics

DNA Evidence Shows Cultivator Jorge Cervantes Is Half Plant

Jorge Cervantes

SONOMA—In a not-so-shocking turn of events, scientists have released a new study that proves expert marijuana grower and bestselling author Jorge Cervantes is actually 50% cannabis plant. The discovery was made by Sonoma Valley Hospital Internist Dr. Lonnie Blumenauer, who during a routine medical exam noted small botanical nodes protruding from Cervantes’ ears.

“I had my suspicions,” says Blumenauer. “I mean the guy practically lives in the garden. There’s no such thing as a Jorge photo or YouTube video without a giant cannabis plant in the background.”

Further investigation by Cannabizoo has revealed that the awarding-winning author – who’s vast body of work includes the notable “Indoor Marijuana Horticulture” and his opus “The Cannabis Encyclopedia” – is actually a Haze variety. Longtime friend and colleague Mike Hatch suspected it all along, confiding that the real tip-off was Cervantes’ piney, lemony scent – “A dead giveaway!” he says, adding, “I mean, he’s spicey. And that wispy blond hair just screams Neville’s Haze.”

With the cat out of the bag, Cervantes’ independent printing wing Van Patten Publishing has rushed a statement out to the masses. “In addition to Jorge’s books being available in seven languages, including Dutch, French, German, Italian, Spanish, and Russian,” says the release, “look for titles now to be translated into the language of ‘Plant.’”

Cervantes was unavailable for comment, but was reportedly basking in his yard and covered in rich trichomes.