Monsanto Creates Extraterrestrial, Bug-zapping Cannabis Seed


ST. LOUIS—During a press conference today at Monsanto’s global headquarters in Missouri, spokeswoman Felicia Rhodes announced the seed company’s latest controversy: the development of a genetically modified strain of cannabis sativa. Believed to be sitting on this innovation for a decade or more, Monsanto now sees an opening in the expanding marijuana market, further encouraged by the pending mega-merger with German pill and pesticide maker Bayer.

“Our enhanced cannabis seed will allow farmers of fine sensimilla to continue producing the most potent products possible,” says Rhodes, “but it will now be a lot easier to ward off pests and weeds through superior gene manipulation.”

The new cannabis strain, tentatively called “Monsoonto,” contains supercharged DNA that can withstand a dousing of Roundup – a contentious product made by the company containing “glyphosate,” a chemical which kills weeds on contact by blocking proteins essential to plant growth. Reports confirm that nearly all the corn, soy, and cotton now grown in the U.S. is treated with the biochemical glyphosate.

“Also engineered into the new hybrid plant – which by the way users confirm has a pleasant, effervescent sativa buzziness,” says Rhodes, “is a sensory organ which enables the plant to emit a toxic pesticide through its leaves, instantly killing any insect that comes within four feet of it.”

Perceiving a look of stupefied horror befalling the faces of the assembled press corps, the spokeswoman continued, “We see the future of cannabis production surpassing that of corn and soy in the next decade. Monsanto wants to be present to help our nation’s hard working cannabis farmers to maximize their profits by growing record yields each year.”

The anticipated merger of Monsanto and Bayer, and the news of the monoliths’ foray into cannabis, has Aaron Mair, president of Sierra Club, outraged and on high alert. “I can’t say we’re surprised by this move,” he said, “but we’ll do everything in our power to prevent this insult against human and plant life from ever making it to market.”

Mair reportedly then turned to an aide not realizing he was in earshot of a hot mic and said, “Let’s get some of this crazy Monsoonto into the office ASAP, okay? And make sure Nancy doesn’t still have my bubbler.”

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