Business | WTF

Gorilla Glue Slaps ‘Reverse Class-Action’ Suit on 3 Million GG#4 Cultivators

Gorilla Glue

CINCINNATI—“Just stop it,” says Gorilla Glue spokesman Nathan Mowdry from the company’s Cincinnati headquarters overlooking the Ohio River. “We’re asking cultivators to stop referring to their products as Gorilla Glue #4. It’s pretty straightforward here – we own the name, you don’t, so please quit calling it that.”

gorilla glueMowdry says that Gorilla Glue Corp wants its hard-earned name recognition back, and says it’s fed up with the flood of emails and phone calls from people looking for marijuana seeds and “super dank clones.”

The popular cannabis strain – named after the Gorilla Glue fixative for its incredibly sticky resin production – hit the weed market hard this summer becoming the “it” strain of the year. The varietal’s runaway success has seen subsequent powerhouse iterations (Gorilla Glue #2, #3, #4) catapulting the strain into iconic status alongside the likes of Girl Scout Cookies and Blue Dream.

The glue merchant, established a decade ago after the super-adhesive was first discovered being used on teak furniture in Indonesia, has reportedly slapped an injunction on all growers to “cease and desist growing of the Gorilla Glue strain,” says the law firm Dunn & Dunn, “or face fines and/or certain imprisonment.”

“We’ve been instructed by our client, particularly after the egregious success of Gorilla Glue #4,” says partner Morrie Dunn, “to recoup damages for the licensure of Gorilla Glue in conjunction with the production of marijuana. To that end, we’ve been directed by Gorilla Glue Corp to place a ‘reverse class-action lawsuit’ on all growers of the strain.”

Estimates put the number of Gorilla Glue plants tended in California alone this year at over 3 million units. The latest version, Gorilla Glue #5 – said to have the nose of a freshly opened canister of tennis balls – is sure to rock the glue company sideways once it begins appearing in outlets across the legal U.S. cannabis market.

“It’s difficult these days to find a pot cultivator who isn’t growing Gorilla Glue or looking for clones or seeds for their next run,” says dispensary specialist Mike Spivey of Cannatopia. “We sell out of Gorilla Glue clones by 10am every day.”

Mowdry says the company is intent on regaining the revenue stolen from its shanghaied intellectual property. He also says Gorilla Glue Corp is putting out their own cannabis strain next year.

“It’ll be called Gorilla Glue #100,” says Mowdry. “We plan to make it with 100 percent THC. It’ll be incredibly strong, just like our glue. Hell, we may even put glue in the strain!”

[Ed’s note: Reality is definitely stranger than fiction. We wrote this outrageous parody story in June 2016, which was about 3 million home-growers being sued, and in 2017 a similar situation transpired with GGStrains LLC… check it out here: “The Cannabist: Cannabis biz stuck in the middle of branding battle over strain name”]

 

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