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Product: Best Flame-Retardant Bong Mask for the Bearded

Beard

PORTLAND—Jason Myers is flaming mad. He’s fired up because he just discovered a new product at his local cannabis dispensary called the “Beard Guard” – but unfortunately a few weeks too late. Made by local bespoke outfitter All Things Hipster, the beard protector was designed to shield excess facial hair from catching alight when blazing.

“The bewhiskered set is our niche,” says babyface Beard Guard CEO Leroy Naylor, oddly devoid of any whiskers. “We want to make sure everyone is included, even those with landing strips.”

Last month, Myers reports that he and his unicycle posse were headed to fire up some recently acquired Gorilla Glue #4 when it all went tits up. “The four of us were out back on the patio lighting up the bong,” says Myers, “and I guess the wind blew just right – and honestly, I was wearing a good amount of high-grade vegan beard oil, so maybe my bad – but the next thing I know, my face is completely up in flames.”

Though his bros acted fast to put out the beard blaze, Myers still sustained second degree burns and says he and the boys will never be caught smoking without facial protection. “Smoking herb without the Beard Guard,” he reflects solemnly rubbing his patchy mouth wig, “it’s literally playing with fire.”

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